Life through the eyes of emery

Perfectionist I am...

It's in my blood. I am a perfectionist in rehab.... as these are my first few months of work, and yet I still carry the 'perfectionism' into my work. I thought that I'd put it away after Uni. Today is a great day for me. I had my first performance evaluation from my supervisor and I'm really happy with it. All the hard work, struggles and challenges for the past few months suddenly feel... worth it. A real sense of accomplishment.

Yet, as I look back, not only for these few months but throughout my life in all aspects, when I am in the process of doing my work, I never feel good enough. I always feel that I should be doing a better job, I should improve on this and that, I need to strive harder. And I always feel surprised when someone else tells me that I'm doing a good job, because to me, what I am doing is never good enough. Don't know if this makes sense but it's true about how I feel. I remember my best friend telling me, "I'm not gonna believe you anymore, because everytime you say you did badly in an exam, your results do not show it." In all honesty, I really meant what I said that I didn't feel that I did well at all... that I totally screwed up.

And that's what I've been feeling for the past few months at work - I'm not good enough for the role. I should be doing this and that. I am not meeting the expectations set for me. Basically, I always carry a big burden on my shoulders, perhaps it's time to learn some of the burden go and be more lenient towards myself :) But.. what if, it's in my blood? And I can't seem to get it out of my system.

Nevertheless, I feel relieved today. I feel a sense of ... achievement. Praise God! Who am I without Him?

posted by emeryz @ 6:12 AM